Hi hi hi there

nobody@vox.com(texas crude) — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 14:34:17 -0400

Er...well, i'm officially posting to neighborhood only. Non-neighbors who have stumbled on to TC, if you'd like to read, add and if you're an equally funny or an interesting read--and not perverted--, I'll add you too...BUT WAIT! ADD NOW AND YOU'LL GET NOT ONE BUT TWO SETS OF...ah shit. You get it.

I'm a funny gal, I could be the second coming of Sophia Petrillo and I spill obscenities like a fountain spouting Hawaiian Punch at Versailles. I blog about my fascination with Amy Winehouse's crack hive, people who can't dress themselves appropriately, insightful music reviews (read: I LIKE MARIAH CAREY), crude commentary on the everyday and my wanting to bed James Franco.

Uh, anything else you'd like to know, you could fancy with a PM or a look at my profile. I guess.

And if you're wondering, I'm a hot slut and had this taken just recently so there really is no need whatsoever to send me innapropriately themed comments or PM's:

Mona Edward Lopez

Kisses all around!

P.S. My blog selection isn't like Harvard admissions. I'll add just about anyone who adds me so long as their blog is updated often (if your last post was a month ago, no) and you're not on the skeez side (in other words, if you write softcore erotica, your content is mostly pretty lady pictures and you make passes at lady Voxers, no also).

Let's be friends!

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we've all been waiting a long time for you to turn 18.

nobody@vox.com(texas crude) — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 02:18:56 -0400

Or so the honking, hoots and hollers and constant one overs I get in the street might suggest. Jeez. It's either some people are gross or it's like fucking Bai Ling is walking the streets. Be subtle, kind gentleman! Wanting one's sex does not warrant you to be a pervert!

Anyway, commencing grown up age totally confuses me. I'm like half a grown up right now (and Samantha Baker would totes agree).

Things I have: HS diploma, brown hair, insightful prose, all of Mariah Carey's albums committed to memory. Things I don't have: Money, aspirations. Things I want: Money, aspirations....Emile Hirsch semi-nude in a bubble bath.

I say this because at the current time, I have not applied to any colleges or have any idea whatsoever what Mona Edward Lopez wants to be as a grown up. Being a grown up would imply some form of career or what have you and an assessment test told me once that I should be interior designer.

I say that's a bunch of tripe because I can't even pimp out my own fucking room (i'm looking at my pigsty right now and I can safely say it's like Flavor Flav, Laura Ashley, the must-go sale at Pier 1, a garbage disposal and the dirty pile at the cleaners threw up in here). Imagine what I'd end up doing to some poor gullible yuppie's foyer, telling him that the aluminum walls and leopard carpet are inspired by "Jean Paul Gaultier's 86 Fall/Winter collection meets Grecian drug den."

I digress. A couple of weeks ago, I recieved a rather touching email from my junior year English III teacher at my previous school. She said that she didn't know if in a weeks time I would be graduating or not (let's put it this way-- I've done my share of bellyflopping) but whatever the matter, I should seriously consider becoming a writer.

STFU, Ms. Lewicki. For reals? Like a real writer person? Will anyone care if all my lewd penis jokes can't actually be printed? (I didn't earn myself the nickname Texas Crude for no reason)

I wrote a short story in that class once, at her asking--I had a place as columnist in the school's rag, I might as well have made myself useful. She served me with extra credit and a swift and hard pat on the back for it. And even the squawky uptight shadow teacher, who shot me bitchface once when I suggested that the reason I couldn't read her chicken scratch comments on my AP essays was because she probably wrote with her feet, lauded my somewhat lazy but successful accomplishment.

She said that my "witty prose" will take me places. Like where, the poorhouse? Isn't the print industry kind of a dying field? It's not paying handsomely these days and considering i've lived in the ghetto, the most horrendously crime filled and HEINOUSLY ugly part of town, I gots to live lavishly, you know?

I'd like to share a private jet with Jay-Z and Beyowulf Beyonce. We would share Belvedere and toss caviar crackers into each other's mouth and i'll make a comment about that line in "Big Pimpin'" where he goes, "Shit, I part with nothing/Y'all be frontin'/Me give my heart to a woman/Not for nothin', never happen/I be forever mackin'" and tell him he happily ate his words. Jay-Z will giggle and Bee will shoot me a look like she wants to rip my weave out.

I kid, I kid. I don't even have a weave.

Hey, I actually take that recommendation seriously but if this whole being the female Truman Capote don't never work out, i'll always be able to marry into money and transform myself into my personal idol.

Cuz I love ya, Mimoo!

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Vox Hunt: Favorite Video

nobody@vox.com(texas crude) — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 23:14:37 -0400

Show us your favorite YouTube video.

It's just...I can't do it. This was just a simple video I found on Funny or Die on Judd Apatow's favorites that I innocently sent to a friend after wetting myself with laughter. And it spread like wildfire.

Crazy Indian Video - Buffalaxed

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hamburger hamburger hamburger hotdog

nobody@vox.com(texas crude) — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 22:04:19 -0400

Hey, you know, my favorite Wino is supposed to be going to Israel for rehab. You know what? I'll believe it when I see it and then I still won't believe it!

I dare ya to cross me, monsieur fatcat!

Glamour shots!

My shirts usually read 'Original Chola'

If she definitely is flaking on the Bond theme (and on the sexy beefcake Mark Ronson-- your move, Doherty) someone should get Precious Taft on this shit (below). And if you don't want to have nightmares, don't watch it until 42 seconds. Have to love the dropping of the mic for dramatic effect.

I don't even know if she can sing or not but who gives a rat's clitoris? (Do rats have clits?)

RAW EMOTION - Precious Taft

And hey, this totes has nothing to do with this post but I just thought I should put it up because it's hump day tomorrow and you might need a laugh tomorrow morning. I lurves it when he calls me a peanut head.

The first few seconds of the clip will do it for you but watching the entire thing is oddly gratifying.

EJ! Tell em one more time!

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this perturbs me on so many levels

nobody@vox.com(texas crude) — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 20:50:26 -0400

now if we could just get Renee Angelil to gaze upwards and give us a pot smile.

DARN! No one said we were going to be wearing the same thing!

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I don't know what's wrong with me today

nobody@vox.com(texas crude) — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 19:22:48 -0400

This vehicle dresses Brooke Hogan and all members of Trannity Kane.

Tranny king

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here's to you, Hilla Killa

nobody@vox.com(texas crude) — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 18:39:48 -0400

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i iz productive.

nobody@vox.com(texas crude) — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 15:21:11 -0400

So. I realize that the most efficient i've ever been at school was in my advanced tech class. I didn't really do anything besides make funny photoshop pictures and with that in mind, I would like to showcase my finest.

And when you think of Mexican/Native American artists, I want you to forget Frida and I want you to forget Diego. I do, however, want you to remember Mo. I should just be given a display at the MOMA. I would call it, Minnetonka Hash and Poupurri Dreams: A Spanish, Dutch and Half-Navajo Perspective.

Anyway. This is Part 1. Feel free to use these headers without my permission because...well, like who's gonna know? Not until I start getting commissioned am I gonna rag on your ass.

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Vox Hunt: What a Headache

nobody@vox.com(texas crude) — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 15:02:59 -0400

This is National Headache Awareness Week. Show us what gives you a headache.

Kick me! please kick me!

Look, I just finished my last day of school ever and I don't need this.

I know this is universal but no one likes Heidi Montag. Not her or her assclown, flesh color beared, primate looking boyfriend. If I could have anything right now, I'd have Heidi and Spencer pushed face down into a ditch somewhere and made sure they stayed there.

I want this more than world peace.

My insides tingled a little when I read that they were booed at a dodgers game. This made my life.

A year or so ago, it was perfectly acceptable to watch the Hills but now...ugh, pshaw.

Despite how much I loathe the entire show, I actually really really like Whitney because she has an actual perception of what a career is (she's never filmed outside work and was almost considered for a real job at TeenVogue) unlike homegirl LC. Seriously? They send you to Paris for FREE and you decided to stay to look after your coochtoss alcoholic boyfriend?

If that was me, I would've let assclown in AA and made a jump for the nearest Delta airlines. No one needs to tell me twice. Especially if it's FREE.

Anyway, I like Miz Whit. I've never seen her trying to be 'natural' for paps like Cheez Wiz up there or come out with a clothing line (both of which ARE A JOKE--what are you trying to sell me on? Plain jersey? Are you on fucking crack? I'm not paying 200 dollars for a drape, shit slice. I'd rather shill at J. Crew which has THE same stuff and so much cheaper. AND THERE'S NO WAY IN HELL I'M DRESSING LIKE A ROCK OF LOVE CONTESTANT--HEIDI).

Ugh. And I've never seen her cooch, like fucking Audrina 'Chi Chi's' Patridge.

I lurve da Whitney

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QotD: A World with Less Violence

nobody@vox.com(texas crude) — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 00:51:13 -0400

What could we do to create a world with less violence?

Why, we must purify ourselves in the waters of Lake Minnetonka! How else?

Purple rain

Hey, you know, in 1984, instead of a watchdog government that Orwell predicted, we got shiny spandex suits, Wendy and Lisa, glitter, fog machines, some doves, bad acting, backless leather chaps and Prince-- all in one nut filled cheese log of a movie that was "Purple Rain"

I think I know what i'm putting in my rental queue for this weekend.

And if ur just DYING 2 know, this is my favorite song from the soundtrack (did ya catch it?). I like 2 hump the air and go "Ooohoooh!"

07 I Would Die 4 U

Prince and the Revolution

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